


[META] Aziraphale, Crowley, and the Long and Winding Road

by AnnetheCatDetective



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Developing Relationship, Meta, Other, just exploring some thoughts, some differences between book and show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 16:36:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19113571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnetheCatDetective/pseuds/AnnetheCatDetective
Summary: Thoughts-- which may be expanded into another chapter if I come up with enough else to say-- on Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship, and some of the things I feel are different, between book and show, and in particular how I see the development of their relationship in the show, and the things I think are different.





	[META] Aziraphale, Crowley, and the Long and Winding Road

    So, to begin with, some basic differences just in how I interpret Aziraphale and Crowley when it comes to Book ‘Verse vs TV ‘Verse-- first, just to get it out of the way, whereas there’s a certain very even feeling give-and-take and flow in the vibe I get from the two and their relationship in the book, boy, do the TV versions of Aziraphale and Crowley have a _Preference_. But this is less about who’s a top or a bottom or a Dom or a sub, and more about who has a sliver of emotional intelligence and introspection.

 

    Which is to say… Book Crowley. He gets a gold star and all the rest of these idiots can go sit in the corner. See, here’s the thing-- even without getting a trip through history with them in the book, I believe that Book Crowley knows exactly what his feelings are for Aziraphale, and I believe he’s known from, if not the start, some time ago. Most of my feelings about Book Crowley and Aziraphale comes through in the fic I write, and in particular the 6,000 year slow burn is where I work out a lot of what I think about the progression of their relationship and when and where I think they might have figured out their own feelings. (Side note, my story notes for that have Aziraphale figuring out his emotions at roughly the same point in human history as the show, which I get a kick out of even if it’s a different scenario and a different journey-- but even outside of that specific story and the headcanons I draw on for it, I think Book Aziraphale took more time to recognize and acknowledge his feelings, and to be ready to act on them)

 

    Of course, since we don’t have that same romp through history with Book Crowley and Aziraphale, there’s a lot of wiggle room, and a lot of interpretations, all of which are equally valid. I enjoy several myself. But in terms of who I can see having that emotional intelligence, that introspection, I can give it to Book Crowley.

 

    I do _not_ believe TV Crowley knows what his emotions are doing. Yes, both Crowleys question things, and both Crowleys are more willing than Aziraphale, on the whole, to question their place in the universe. As for why I don’t think TV Crowley caught onto his own feelings nearly as quickly, a lot of that is down to performance, to where we _see_ him display naked emotion vs where we see him being a more cool and confident version of himself. Where we get to see _his_ epiphany. Here, I’ll be going specifically into the journey TV Crowley and Aziraphale take, and how their emotions and their understanding of their own emotions evolve.

 

    I do also need to say, before we trot through history-- Book Aziraphale has long gotten a lot of flak for the way he leans on the demon-angel thing, but I don’t think that’s fair. Yes, Aziraphale puts these things forward in a certain way, is vocal about what it means to be an angel (and what it means to be a demon), but do you really think he’s completely callous when it comes to Crowley’s feelings? Crowley also has hang-ups regarding his demonic nature and how well he fits the standard-- they don’t understand him in Hell, they don’t get his ideas, and he’s struggling to retain a persona against his own better nature. This is in sharper relief in the show, where TV Crowley reacts much more strongly to being called nice, but even Book Crowley shuts Aziraphale down when he tries to suggest that he’s nice-- i.e. not demonic enough. After all, even if Aziraphale means it as a good thing, for Crowley, paranoia is reasonable. Moreover, he wants to be liked-- and loved-- for what he is. To have his non-demonic traits praised, he may well worry in these moments that Aziraphale is looking for something that isn’t there, is looking for a ‘better’ version of him, is putting up with the demon in hopes of finding something else.

 

    For Aziraphale, however, falling back on what it is to be an angel is how he protects himself. If he keeps saying ‘an angel does what’s Right and an angel is Good’, he can make himself believe that things are okay. More importantly, that things are _out of his hands_. Aziraphale isn’t ready for the consequences of free will, he takes solace in the fact that there is an ineffable plan which he is doing his part in no matter what he does. And if he’s hanging out with a demon and eating cake, well… surely that, then, must also be part of the ineffable plan, because he’s an angel, and he’s incapable of doing wrong. All these things he wants to do, they _must_ be what he’s meant to be doing, otherwise how could he do them? And by that token, to say Crowley is a demon and can’t help his nature is to extend him that same protection. It’s not _Crowley_ , his friend, who sometimes hurts people (or at least frightens or inconveniences them), but his demonic nature, which is unavoidable. It’s not _Crowley_ who hurt him by sleeping away a century, his friend would never do anything to hurt him, would never ignore him or leave him to pull their combined weight as per their Arrangement, but he _is_ a demon and so he can’t help himself if he does bad things, harmful things, things that Aziraphale doesn’t like. It allows him to say those things don’t _matter_ , don’t need to be addressed. It allows him to remove the burdens of free will from Crowley as he does with himself and say things are okay. They are what they’re meant to be and they do what they have to do.

 

    It may not be coming from a place of emotional maturity, or a place of security in terms of how he sees himself and the world, but this is the way that Aziraphale protects Crowley-- the way he deems any demonic thing Crowley might do to be forgivable, if they are both just following some plan and acting in accordance with their natures.

 

    Now, for my analysis of TV Aziraphale and Crowley, and the way their relationship has evolved over history-- and the places where it differs.

 

-Eden-

 

    I’ve seen a tumblr post to this effect, and wish I could pull it up and properly source it, but ABSOLUTELY Aziraphale is the girl who's not allowed to date and Crowley is a boy with a leather jacket and a motorcycle. Aziraphale has NO idea what to call the feelings he experiences when Crowley talks to him, but it's _exciting_ and he thinks he is actually a very nice demon. Both versions of Aziraphale feel a certain soft mercy, where Crowley is concerned, and feel it right from the start, but TV Aziraphale wins the prize for softest boy in Eden when he elects to shelter Crowley rather than himself. He might be a demon, but in all this that’s going on suddenly, he’s someone to talk to, and it feels nice just to talk his feelings out in this moment-- that’s something he’d need even if it didn’t come with a certain rush of excitement.

 

    Crowley, for his part, is _intrigued_ , because this guy gave away his flaming sword?? Just like that?? 10/10, would talk to again, not like other angels. Crowley knows kindness is not a trait inherent to angels, but this angel is kind, is Merciful before Obedient. You can really see the fascination, the consideration, in how this moment is acted for the show. The performance makes up for what the lack of narration takes away-- we see Crowley tease Aziraphale, and then we can see him react to this naive angel taking him at face value. We see him have some emotions that perhaps can’t be defined-- at least, not yet. But the emotional foundation is there. Time and familiarity will do the rest.

 

    That kind of 'oh, you're interesting' feeling continues on both sides through the two biblical scenes, like... they're not quite ready to think of it as a friendship, but it's... friend _ly_ , and they _want_ to talk to each other! They're not ready to seek each other out on purpose, but it's so easy to fall into a conversation when they just happen across each other. They’re learning to speak the same language, they’re learning who the other is. They’re liking who the other is, even if that’s not something they can talk about.

 

-Rome-

 

    TV Aziraphale is... a DORK in this scene. Crowley's come to be familiar to him and he just gets more excited to catch up every time he sees him, and he... just wants... to be able to invite him to do something social and friendly! Because Crowley gets it! Crowley's been here as long as he has, they could really _talk_! He’s been sitting by himself, bored, lonely, but now here’s Crowley, and Aziraphale has no real solid idea how to start a purely social interaction. It’s so much easier to be the one who’s approached than to do the approaching! But he’s so motivated, and he wants in particular to be able to share an experience with Crowley, to take something he’s excited about enjoying and to say ‘come and do this with me, come and see how wonderful this thing on Earth is and please love it with me’.

 

    Crowley is one hundred percent down to fuck at this point, when he thinks Aziraphale is maybe possibly suggesting something with that invitation to eat oysters. But like, he's also just ready to try a new thing with him as sort-of-kind-of-friends, debate some things over food and wine. Is maybe dimly aware, after this point, that watching Aziraphale eat is something he is _into_. It’s a bit of ‘this can’t be love because I feel so well’-- this sociable thing, having Aziraphale seek him out, the good feelings it inspires… how can it be serious? How can it be something as miserable and as counter to what he _should_ be as love?

 

-Medieval-

 

   Aziraphale's been hit with the _nerves_ about their relationship sometime between Rome and now, like... He's gotten too friendly with a demon and that's worrying, but at the same time... it's _Crowley_. Even if he _shouldn't_ trust him, even if he _shouldn't_ agree with him, he's just... There's an unnameable want at the idea of it! He _does_ want to work with him, but he can’t say yes the first time.

 

    Crowley... just knows that if they worked together, life would be easier. And... it would also mean spending more time together, and maybe that's some of the draw. But he's certainly not going to go letting himself get emotional about things! Especially if he’s only going to be rejected out of hand. He’ll save his emotions for when they might matter, and he’ll take a small victory if he can’t have the one that he wants. He’ll take the idea that he might convince him later over pushing him today.

 

    It's really not very long between the scene we see and what the book gives as the date for the start of their Arrangement, as well... if the date of the Arrangement stands, then they don't stay apart for very long after this! Somewhere between now and their next meeting, Aziraphale agrees, and the two work things out.

 

-Globe Theater-

 

    Aziraphale now ABSOLUTELY thinks of Crowley as someone who he can turn to! He _trusts_ him. He still protests-- they're not friends, no one can think they're friends, this whole arrangement is so _dangerous_ , but... Crowley is _reliable_! And he can bat his eyes and ask him for little favors and Crowley will _do_ them! And it's so nice, it really is, and he has a _friend_ \-- a secret friend!-- and it makes him happy. As a testament to his trust, he doesn’t for a moment think the coin flip turning out in Crowley’s favor is due to some misuse of his powers, he accepts it as luck.

 

    Crowley has realized that he actually thinks the super embarrassing things Aziraphale says and does are... cute? No one can EVER know, but... bless it, he's got to make him happy. He likes this DORK. And there’s something that feels good, about being able to fix someone’s problems rather than causing them-- not that he can admit to that, either. There’s a tremendous reward in making someone happy, in having the _power_ to make someone happy. It’s very un-demonic, and maybe some of the thrill is the taboo of it, but the fact that he and only he can do such a little thing and make Aziraphale so pleased feels good, and he doesn’t need to think about why that’s true. It’s such an enormous thing to recognize that he feels good when he does nice things for someone, to prod deeper now would be too much.

 

-Reign of Terror-

 

    Aziraphale is SO pleased to be the damsel in distress to Crowley's rescuer? His heart may go pitter-pat a little, but he can chalk that up to the drama of a rescue. He appreciates things like story, like theatre-- why shouldn’t he feel a thrill of excitement when it’s Crowley who comes to his last-minute rescue? And it's _so_ important to him to be able to spend _time_ together after Crowley saves him! If he's not allowed to thank him with words, at least he can take him out, and share the thing he'd come for with him! Not just that he's buying him lunch as a favor-for-a-favor, but that like Rome, he's SO wanting to share a food he's excited about _with_ him, to have this experience _together_! This experience which is physical, which is pleasurable!

 

    Crowley... just doesn't like the idea of this idiot getting himself killed, even if it's not serious. It would _hurt_ , and he doesn't like the idea of Aziraphale being hurt! Aziraphale's so soft, so _merciful_ , so... not like anyone else. And so naive, he... he just needs to be protected! That's not a weird thing for a friend to want to do, protect another friend! (and yet, he's beginning to really _think_ about the fact that caring about an angel is something very dangerous, and if it comes down to it, he'll make enemies in Hell before he gives up on his friendship with Aziraphale-- no one can know that he’s protected and rescued him, but he won’t _stop_.)

 

    And here’s where we have a little bit of divergence that we know about-- Book Crowley spent the nineteenth century sleeping, and while we don’t know a lot about it, we’ve collectively gone with ‘depression nap’. Happens to the best of us. But TV Crowley doesn’t sleep off the nineteenth century-- in fact, taking into account the cut scene coming somewhere between the Reign of Terror and their first breakup, TV Crowley spends at least a fair amount of this time with Aziraphale. Now, Book Aziraphale takes up three notable hobbies in the span of time Book Crowley mostly naps through, which can speak to a sudden need to fill up time, but it is worth mentioning that TV Aziraphale still has those same hobbies despite the nap being pushed forward in time. They’re both bound to have lots of ways of killing time, after all, when they aren’t there to brighten things for each other…

 

-Cut Bookshop Opening Scene-

 

    Aziraphale is thinking about his life as a whole, more than he’s thinking about Crowley specifically, but by now, Crowley is an enormous part of his life. There’s no denying that. I just wish I had Michael Sheen’s performance to work from in analyzing the scene, rather than just the written word. However, even with nothing but text, we know Aziraphale _admires_ Crowley-- and even in talking to his fellow angels, to his direct superior, he’s apparently unable to keep the glow from his voice when he mentions him. As a side note, TV Aziraphale seems to be a little keener to actually sell books, and not just hoard them. Even if the shop is mostly a place to house his own collection, he’s excited to ‘make a go of it’, and will one day come to carry modern genre fiction in small amounts, presumably for the purpose of having something to sell that isn’t just his own precious special interest-related books.

 

    Crowley, as is his wont, comes to Aziraphale’s rescue. Whether it’s more because he knows the last thing Aziraphale wants is to be recalled, or more because _he_ doesn’t want Aziraphale to be recalled, we can’t really say-- certainly it’s both. Beyond that, though, he’s here with chocolates, to celebrate the opening of Aziraphale’s bookshop, the day before the opening. For him to be doing that, the two of them must have been in regular contact, and he’s been listening to Aziraphale’s mounting excitement. There are feelings, lurking, under the surface, and he’s comfortable making romantic gestures-- but it’s that comfort that has me thinking, in light of later emotional moments, that he’s not fully acknowledging his feelings. If he doesn’t think about what the way Aziraphale makes him feel _means_ , he can be suave, he can be cool, he can flirt and tease and soak up all Aziraphale’s reactions, and do things for him, and he doesn’t have to _worry_ , he doesn’t have to risk _hurt_. At this point, the risk-reward on examining his feelings too closely is weighed too far in the wrong direction for his tastes. But just because he’s ignoring his deeper emotions doesn’t mean he’s safe from them...

 

-Victorian Breakup-

 

    Aziraphale LOVES Crowley, he can no longer pretend he DOESN'T love Crowley, this is his _best friend_ , who he's always been with, the only one who knows what their life is like, and the IDEA of losing him... and losing him in a particularly horrific fashion, at that! He’s not thinking about romance at all. He can’t think about romance-- it’s a terrible time to think about romance, even if he were inclined to probe at his secret heart. He’s thinking about losing his best friend, though, and it throws into sharp relief just how much Crowley’s friendship has come to mean to him, how he relies on him-- not because of the rescues, but because there is no one else who can understand him the way that Crowley understands him.

 

    Crowley just... has no idea how to say 'I want this for _us_ '?? Has no idea how to BEGIN saying 'You are my best friend and if Hell comes after me for that, I need to be ready, because I _need you_ '?? Because what if he says 'our friendship is dangerous' and Aziraphale says 'well then we won't be friends'? And it’s so much easier to get angry, to think ‘after everything I’ve done for you, why won’t you do this for me?’ and to not consider Aziraphale’s position. He _has_ done a lot. Is he not owed something? Some consideration, some trust? But he also can’t lie, he can’t discount the possibility that using this one last-ditch thing will end him, even if he doesn’t mean for it to. A half-second of carelessness, an unaccounted for splashback, he won’t lie to Aziraphale and say he’ll be ‘safe’. He also won’t say why he’ll feel safer with it than without, despite the danger. It’s so much easier, after being told no, to give into the urge to tuck himself away and be upset, be _angry_.

 

-A Century Apart-

 

    Aziraphale is upset, and he's _lonely_ , and he just doesn't understand why Crowley is _being_ like this! But he doesn't think HE should be the one to apologize, when Crowley is the one who's been so foolhardy! (but he WOULD, oh, in a HEARTBEAT, if Crowley came to him, he _would_...) This is a hard period for him-- no one’s doing the one dance he knows anymore, and Crowley is gone, and they’ve gone long periods in the past without seeing each other, but this time is _different_. It’s different because over at least the past century, they’ve been in more regular contact-- enough to have chatted about the bookshop opening, and not only the things relating to their Arrangement. And it’s different because they’re not talking now after a _fight_ , and they’ve never fought like this before, they’ve never taken a disagreement to heart, never hurt each other the way _this_ hurts.

 

    Crowley straight up depression naps, a period of time in which he does not have to examine his feelings, or anything else. Then he wakes up, buys a cool car, and his spidey sense starts tingling to tell him it's time to save an angel.

 

-The Church-

 

    Aziraphale's feelings suddenly make SENSE to him! He's in love, he's in love, and he's so _thrilled_ to have been rescued by Crowley... He was thrilled when Crowley appeared, but it's the books being put in his hand that really give him that moment of realization, and things are going to be all right now! Because Crowley's here, and he's not upset, and they're going to... to be able to _talk_ again, and that's all he needs. He doesn't expect Crowley to love him the same way, but he doesn't need that to be happy! Crowley came to his rescue again, and that means life is back to normal, only now he knows what his heart is doing whenever these things happen, and he can _enjoy_ it. Will it bring pains, too? Yes, of course. Is it worth it? Of _course_.

 

    Crowley... he LOVES being the hero! He loves the way it feels when Aziraphale swoons a bit over a rescue, and how it feels to protect someone soft who needs him... He's not _really_ thinking about romance, he's not thinking about _actually_ kissing him, taking anything from him that he wouldn't give-- after Rome, he's accepted that they're not the kind of friends who have sex-- but... it's fun to flirt with him. He does like the flirting. It's just... you know, some friends flirt. But for him, a _lot_ of it is that Aziraphale allows him the space to be _good_. Even if he can't admit to it, he loves that. Again, the fact that he’s suave is why I feel this isn’t where Crowley thinks about romance, not on a conscious level-- his confidence only falters when he thinks Aziraphale might not like the name he’s chosen to use, it doesn’t waver when he’s flirty with him over returning the books. He’s able to play up the role of the charming and romantic rescuer _because_ it’s like a game they both get a thrill out of, _because_ it’s disconnected from his own understanding of his feelings. Because there’s no risk, only reward, as long as he doesn’t ask himself what his heart is doing. Aziraphale is the most important person in his life-- important enough to walk onto hallowed ground for, important enough that his opinion on a name means something-- but he was important before the nap, too, before the fight. Now they get to start over a bit.

 

-The Swinging Sixties-

 

    Aziraphale loves Crowley so _much_ , and he's dealing with the fact that Crowley is on what he sees as the road to destruction. He's dealing with SO much fear about losing him forever, REALLY losing him, and nothing could fill him with this kind of fear, this kind of hollow, cold terror, this _pain_. Just thinking of the possibility is more painful to him than anything he's ever imagined. He would face his own death, even his own permanent death, if he never had to lose Crowley. But he _can't_ not come to Crowley's aid, because it's more dangerous if Crowley gets this from anyone else. Because Aziraphale knows what he is, he can take every precaution to keep Crowley from coming in contact with the holy water itself. He can make sure it’s secured in a thermos, can bless the gasket to keep it sealed even tighter against leaks, can be absolutely certain the outside is dry and un-holy when he hands it over. But he can't sit and talk and pretend things are okay when he's worried he's signed his love's death warrant. He _wants_ a future together, he does. He wants romance! He wants so much, but Crowley is so reckless. When he says Crowley goes too fast for him, he’s thinking about watching him hurtle towards a very messy end, and how painful it all is, how helpless _he_ is to stop it. He can’t bottle his feelings back up, he can’t lie to himself about having them. He doesn’t want to! But he can’t pretend everything is fine, he can’t hand over a superweapon and then go out and have a good time. He needs space and distance to process his feelings, to get past his fears.

 

    Crowley... OH, Crowley. All these things have happened between them, for all these _millennia_... he's never examined his own feelings so closely, but in this moment, he understands that they love _each other_. That all the flirting, all the desire for closeness, all the rescues and the looks... that it _means_ something, and if he's going to make an enemy of Hell... in for a penny, in for a pound, he might as well LOVE him, he _Loves_ him! He's _in_ love, and so is Aziraphale, and they could BE together now, now that he has a way of protecting them, they could go anywhere, they could be happy, they... And Aziraphale doesn't want to, and all Crowley can do is remember that Aziraphale likes the idea of the Ritz, and let him go, and trust that they have eternity to make it work between them, but it feels so wrong to let him go now, when he's finally realized his own feelings and seen that he's not alone. He doesn’t stop and ask ‘am I in love’, until _they’re_ in love, until it feels like it should be no risk, only reward, and that’s not how it works out, but he’s _vulnerable_. He’s soft and he’s open, and he asks Aziraphale twice, just in case, he puts himself out there even further after the first rejection because now he _knows_ , and he knows he isn’t alone. It’s just… timing, really.

 

    So now we come to the birth of the antichrist. TV Crowley has been pining for a man-shaped creature he _knows_ is in love with him too, but he’s respected his need for that distance, that space to breathe and get his feelings in order. He’s trusted that they have all of eternity to work it out, that Aziraphale has issues to get over-- it’s not just Crowley giving him worries, after all, it’s Heaven. Crowley has been patient, but now the world has an expiration date, and they need to get it together. But he _remembers_ , he remembers what Aziraphale said they might do someday. He takes him to the Ritz, and he thinks that has to mean something to him, has to mean everything to him, that they’re speaking the same language now. And when it doesn’t end in hearts and flowers, well… Aziraphale agrees to godfather with him to save the world, and if they can do that, they can have eternity together. And then it all goes wrong...

 

    He thinks it goes without _saying_ , he thinks they're waiting for... something, but he thinks Aziraphale KNOWS! How could he not? They’re slow movers, but he’s sending the right signals here, he’s taken Aziraphale on his dream date, and they’ve spent some time just… just being close. They’ve flirted, they’ve come so near to something more, aren’t they on the same page? So when it looks like they've run out of time, and he asks Aziraphale to elope, he can't understand why Aziraphale is _like_ this! He doesn’t think he _needs_ to say it’s because he loves him, because if he knows how Aziraphale feels, if they’ve been the way they’ve been, shouldn’t Aziraphale know? And shouldn’t Aziraphale know how hard it is for him to put his softer feelings in words?

 

And the thing is, if he had, it wouldn’t have changed the answer, it would only have made it harder. They both do what they need to from there, and when it’s over, they can move forward, but there’s nothing that would have made that moment go the way Crowley wanted it to. But there’s an _understanding_ , when Aziraphale-- discorporated-- finds him and asks him to _be there_ , that this is not the time to say what needs to be said, that they don’t have time, but they can _make_ time, they can save the world and give themselves back the time to finally take that step forward they both wished they could have taken some time ago.

  



End file.
